


Cargo Pilot

by Nicookami



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Drama, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicide Attempt, Suicide mention, it's 5am and im tired, klance, listen this might be heavy to some of you, passes right after s2's ending, read with utmost caution especially if this subject affects you, takashi is shirogone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 10:06:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9486479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nicookami/pseuds/Nicookami
Summary: Lance is anxious, he fears he doesn't belong in Voltron anymore. Or rather, that he never did. A reckless decision leaves to very  agonizing times, and Keith tries desperately to stop whatever is going on.(This does not romantize depression, okay... I was having a bad night and this is more of a venting fic than anything. Read with caution if you're sensitive to this subject.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> If you need someone to talk to, don't stay quiet. You can talk to me, if you want.

"It's not like I'm a part of this group anyway." Lance threw a backpack over his back, despite facing the big possibility he might not use it. His letter was ready on his hand, he would slip it under his pillow right before leaving. His breath got increasingly faster the more he followed along with his plan.

 

He considered giving Blue a last goodbye, but figured that might either keep him from going forward or the lion itself would stop him. It was best to just go, as hard as it was. They could find anothey paladin, their team was incomplete anyway and his loss wouldn't change much. Pidge's mistake when trying to leave that time was informing anyone, and Lance would remember not to do that.

 

As much as he wanted to bring it and the bayard, Lance stored his uniform in its closet, aware that it would be needed for future paladins. He, instead, stored a regular laser gun inside his jacket's pocket, and it was small enough to fit. With a shaky hand, he finally dropped the piece of paper on his bed, too anxious to care about putting it under the pillow. Useless even for that.

 

Even the noise of the opening door was too much. Somebody could wake up, and that was too dangerous. Thankfully, nothing happened, so the boy proceeded. He checked for anyone after each step, as if he had all time in the world. In the path to the elevator, he had to pass in front of the kitchen. It had its lights on, but he heard nobody. Lance inched closer to the open door, trying to take a look inside. Scanning the room, his eyes finally laid on Keith, who was having an apparent midnight snack.

 

Did he need to eat _now?_ Lance cursed Keith under his breath, without thinking. Just before he could hide again, Keith looked up.

 

"Lance?"

 

Lance glued his body to the wall in a tick. His breath stopped altogether, hoping, _praying_ Keith would just ignore what he saw.

 

"Lance, if you're planning another 'Keith prank', I swear I'm gonna kill you." Keith put his hand to the table, frowning and staring at the door. "I know you're there."

 

Lance stayed put, all the same even his body stopped trembling. A strong urge to cry took over him, but that was ignored.

 

"Come on, stop playing around, it's too late for this." Keith scratched his eye, walking over to the door, tired. When Lance heard it, he tiptoed as far as he could, but the hallway was too long for him to get to the corner in time, so at some point he started running. Keith, of course, ended up catching the sound of Lance's footsteps. "I knew it."

 

"What the hell, you even have a bag with yo-" As Keith stared into the halls and spotted an almost-too-dark-to-see Lance, he had to stop midway sentence when Lance looked back, terrified. He had a panicked look on his face, and he... was he crying? Keith couldn't tell. "...Lance? What's going on?"

 

"Don't follow me!" Lance cried, running as fast as he could. Keith followed him.

 

"Wait! Lance!" Keith chased the boy until they had circled over the floor, ending up in the elevator. Lance was panting heavily, not because he exhausted himself on the run, as both were very fit. He took the gun out.

 

"I'm serious. Stay away." Without breaking eye contact, Lance pressed the button to the elevator, which opened with a 'ding'.

 

"O-Okay, calm down, can we just talk? Where are you going?" With his hands on front of his body, Keith stepped closer very slowly, worried yet scared as well.

 

"It's none of you f-fucking business. Step, ah, one more step and I'll s-shoot." Lance advanced backwards into the elevator, a strong grip of both hands on the gun. His finger was inches away from the trigger.

 

"No! WAIT!" The door shut down with Lance inside, and as fast of a response Keith had, he didn't reach it on time.

 

Lance slid to the floor, letting the gun drop along. He could physically **feel** the excessive adrenaline on his blood, the effect it had on his brain, the irregular breathing, the restlessness, all a natural response to the situation at hand. It would soon wear out and he would feel like a coward like it happened before, so he had to act fast. _I won't fail this time_.

 

The elevator stopped with a jolt, opening at the cargo room, where a few small ships stood with some supplies on the other side. "How fitting for a cargo pilot", he thought.

 

Time was not on his side. Soon Keith would find him, and as soon as he took off the alarms would sound, given that he failed on setting them off, which was a big possibility. To do that last task thoroughly would be complex and take at least half an hour. He'd just have to hope Keith was really slow.

 

Pidge and Coran weren't exactly the best tech teachers, because they would start rambling on the middle of the task. Hunk also was prone to drifting off, plus Lance didn't want to raise suspicions by asking for lessons, so he tried to grasp the ship's security system with the built-in manuals. They were hard to understand and the automatic Altean-to-English translation tools weren't perfect. But he had to make do with them and expected it was enough, mere weeks before.

 

Right next to the main core of the ship, there's a chip that connects all Altean energy sources that also have it. That was what also linked it to the alarms of the ship, in case it left without permission. Lance's task was to disconnect it from the main core, a risky chore and inclined to failure and immediate shutdown of the ship. His sweaty hands also couldn't wet it, so he wore gloves.

 

Each minute gone by felt like more and more pressure was deposited on top of Lance. It was hard to breathe and he felt dizzy. It would all be so much easier if he just shot his head right there, but he cared too much about his friends to do that. He would make believe he ran away, and as long as no one found him it wouldn't hurt as hard. They would think it was just his wish. That would work, right? They would soon forget him. It... he was sure of it.

 

At least 40 minutes passed, but that could be less as Lance still lived in slow motion. The adrenaline he once felt was replaced with severe anxiety but honestly, who could tell the difference?

 

"Lance, are you here?" A faraway voice froze Lance on his place. Keith looked tired and beaten-up, exhausted from his incessant search. He was geared up with his space suit however, ready for whatever he could face. "P-Please tell me you're here, I don't know where to look anymore."

 

This would have to do. Lance cut the last wire down, silently asking for nothing bad to happen. It didn't. He threw the backpack onto the ship, sliding inside as well. He started the engine.

Keith's entire body was drawn to the sound as if he just found an oasis in the middle of the desert. "Oh no."

 

When Lance locked eyes on Keith, he couldn't close the canopy just yet. The black-haired boy ran over to him, stopping just a few inches away from the jet. "I don't know what you're trying to do, but please don't do it."

 

Lance stared at him, not uttering a word. He was considering what to do. His anxiety screamed on his head, corrupting every thought that arised. Words were scattered, nothing made sense. He started crying again.

 

"Talk to me." Keith tried to reach his hand inside, grabbing Lance's arm. Ultimately, Lance yanked away.

 

"I'm- I'm leaving. I'm not coming back. I don't want to be a part of this anymore, okay?! I h-hate Voltron! This was all the worst idea we ever had! And, and I hate you and your stupid mullet!" Lies, all lies, dirty, unconvincing lies. He loved being a part of Voltron, he never felt more fun than he did being a paladin. He had a purpose, a mission. And, oh god, Keith... but he wasn't meant for any of it. He dragged everyone back and he **knew** it, he knew this was for the best. It was all he could believe in.

 

"Why, what happened?! I thought you were happy here, I... how can I make you stay? Lance, think twice about this, it's not..." Keith teared up, leaning on the ship with both hands, almost inside. "Whathever I did, I didn't mean it. You're my best friend, please stay."

 

"Keith..." Lance angled down, sealing both his and Keith's lips together in a wet, rushed and messy kiss. "It's not about you. I'm sorry."

 

Lance pushed Keith away, throwing him on the floor and shutting the canopy down. He mouthed "goodbye", before driving the jet away to the smaller exit. It would sound a local alarm, but that one wasn't as worrysome as it would stop shortly. To leave, he entered a chamber that closed behind him, and then opened on the other side. He took off.

 

 

 

Keith was still on the floor, his heartbeat going off like crazy. "Red", he whispered. "I have to get to Red."

 

He got up and tripped, quickly recomposing himself. He raced to the Lion Hall, which was on the other side of the extensive floor. "Lance, you fucking idiot."

 

 

 

 

If this small ship could warp, Lance would do it. It was just a diplomatic one however, meant for going from the castle to the surface of a planet or station nearby. It could go relatively fast though, he would just ride far enough not to be seen anymore. It _did_ have a wave impulsor, making fast-travel possible.

 

He was almost there. He could see the Castle getting smaller and smaller... This was it. He would never see anyone again. Most importantly, nobody would see Lance again, and that's the way it should go.

He should have done this so long ago. Right at the start, or maybe before it all started. Before his miserable performance at the Garisson to begin with. Before he befriended Hunk. Yes, that would have been the perfect time... He was away from home a few months then, so their bond wasn't as strong. If he just waited some more at the time, then ran away somewhere else and ended his life at 14, so much could be avoided.

 

The castle was out of sight now. He couldn't be tracked, so not even Keith would find him now. The self-destruct menu popped up. He supressed the ejection command. Everything was just a button away. A single touch. One confirmation. One voice note. One decision.

 

But he already had decided, months ago. Everything carefully planned. Probably his brightest feat ever, too. He raised his finger, and...

 

He almost jumped. In the blink of a second, Blue appeared right in front of the visor. She had sensed her paladin was in danger, and came to rescue him. But how, if all communication was closed? Her energy couldn't connect with the ship at all. Perhaps... perhaps he had underestimated their bond.

 

"Blue... you are not supposed to be here, go away. Go back to the castle, right now!" The lion didn't move at all to his command. She lowered her head in a protective gesture, cupping the spacecraft below her jaw. Lance cried hysterically. "Please, leave, I don't want to do this with you here."

 

Not long after, another lion fast-traveled to where they were. Its body was red, and it seemed distressed."Shit."

 

Keith tried to open communication with Lance, but the signal wouldn't reach. He screamed, but the vacuum also didn't help. He was in pure dispair, he suspected Lance wasn't just running away as he claimed. Thanks to the blue lion, he was able to follow its location right to where Lance was, and now he had to do something.

 

"I'm going down there." He closed his helmet to space mode, flying off of the lion's mouth. He approached Lance's jet, and saw him leaning over the control panel, with his head inside his arms. Scared, he hit on the glass, just slightly making Lance move. He saw his back move up and down, breathing, which was good. "Okay, okay, that's better."

 

He kept knocking on the glass, trying to catch the boy's attention. Lance finally tilted his head up, and he looked terrible. Keith put his hand to the cold surface, and in time Lance did the same, fitting his hand on top of it. "Come back", Keith mouthed and, for the first time, Lance agreed. Keith pointed to Red, asking him to go there with him.

 

The blue lion let the ship go, knowing well its paladin needed human support.

 

After they got in and the air was stabilized, Keith didn't wait a single second, almost tearing the canopy apart. He reached for Lance, pulling him out to him in a desperate hug. "You're the most selfish, stupid, impulsive idiot in the universe. Don't do this again. Don't do this to me. To you. Don't ever do this. Don't scare me like this."

 

"I'm so sorry, Keith." Lance cried. "I don't hate you, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have gone so far, I-I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm such an idiot."

 

Keith breathed out. "It's okay. Let's head back, the others will be awake soon."

 

Lance looked up. "Keith, they can't know about this. Promise you won't tell anyone!"

 

"I will, if you tell me what's going on. What's _really_ going on." Keith stared deeply into Lance's eyes, stern, serious.

 

"O-okay" Lance glared the floor. "I will. I'm sorry."

 

 

 

"Why didn't you ever speak up about this?" Keith questioned, running his hand trough Lance's hair. The latter was laying his head on top of the former's lap, they were both on Keith's bed, the lights off.

 

"You were all so busy, everyone had their own shit going on. You had to start being a leader all of a sudden, Pidge and Hunk were trying to find Shiro day and night, Coran was working on the castle, and I'm not that close to Allura. It was just a big snowball of bad circumstances." Lance sighed.

 

"I should have been there. I'm never, no one is ever too busy for you, Lance. You're a big part of this team, and if something this serious was going on..."

 

"It's not your fault. The thing is, you never know how serious it is until you're crying on a cargo ship in the middle of nowhere in space with two robotic lions surrounding you and an emo guy screaming into the void _which does not propagate sound, Keith._ "

 

"Shut up, I was terrified, okay. And it wasn't technically a cargo ship..." Keith smiled. He was glad Lance still had some sense of humor. "And I'm not emo!"

 

"Whatever, emo kid. I'm gonna sleep now, I'm beat." Lance tried to get up, but Keith stopped him.

 

"You're not leaving my sight for a long time, idiot.", Keith said. "Sleep here, cargo pilot."

 

"Wow, so forward." Lance smiled, feeling somewhat bittersweet that they'd only get closer with life-or-death situations like this. "Move over, gimme some room."

 

They both would sleep far longer than everybody else, and when Coran would come looking for them to ask why the lions left the ship in the middle of the night, he would see them and think it was just a romantic trip trough space they had. He would scold them on their recklessness later, but let them sleep as long as they wanted. _To be young again,_ he'd think. If only he knew...

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Currently it's 5:27am, and I'm super tired. I hope this was ok


End file.
